


The Jolliest Bunch

by alwaysupatnight



Series: Pistols & Pacifiers [3]
Category: From Dusk Till Dawn: The Series
Genre: Babies, Christmas, Daddy!Seth Feels, Domestic Fluff, F/M, Fluff, Gecko babies, Lots of Cursing, christmas shenanigans, elf costumes, the return of ugly christmas sweaters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-23
Updated: 2017-12-23
Packaged: 2019-02-18 23:40:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13110969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alwaysupatnight/pseuds/alwaysupatnight
Summary: “Honey,” Seth asks with a calm that’d taken him years to practice. Because with Richard as his brother, Kate for a wife, and the two gremlins to look after, he needed all the Zen he could get. “Why do Thing One and Thing Two look like miniature Buddy the fuckin’ Elfs?”





	The Jolliest Bunch

**Author's Note:**

> So last December I saw a display at Target of a bunch of dorky Christmas pajama outfits for the entire family, and I knew at that moment that I'd have to write a SethKate story about ugly Christmas sweaters as well as SethKate babies wearing those ridiculous baby elf outfits!! I've been sitting on this idea for an entire year, and now I've finally written it!! I hope you enjoy the silly Christmas shenanigans and fluff!! And of course all the daddy!Seth feels!! And look, I've even made it in time for Christmas this year!! :P
> 
> This is supposed to take place a year after [Got My Love to Keep Me Warm](http://archiveofourown.org/works/9694133), so here the twins are supposed to be about seven months old.

He should have suspected by the glint in Kate’s eyes when November 1st rolled around.

He should have known, because he _knows_ that _Kate_ and _Christmas_ are a lethal combination.

Looking back, he still has to wonder why she wanted a damn Christmas tree in the middle of _November._

Who the fuck even decided it was acceptable to put up Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving? In Seth’s opinion, Christmas stuff has zero business encroaching on any of the holidays prior to December 1st. But Kate had insisted, said she wanted the house to smell like the holidays, and then complained when a week before Christmas she had a dead tree in her living room. There was no way the twins could experience their first Christmas with a wilted tree, she’d said. And when she cast those sad, Cindy Lou Who eyes at him, he knew there wasn’t going to be any avoiding yet _another_ trip to the Christmas tree farm.

Between Richie’s complaints about getting sunburned and the stream of unhelpful criticisms that came out of his brother’s mouth every five seconds about the merits of fir over pine, what should have taken maybe an hour had in fact taken all morning.

Richie slings an arm over Seth’s shoulder, and looks on in admiration of their work. They’d dragged the tree into the living room, got it all set up and were waiting for Kate to come put her finishing touches on it after they’d already spent an hour taking all the decorations off the old tree to put them on the new tree while Kate baked cookies and took care of the twins.

“Good job, brother,” Richie says, clapping him on the back. “Christmas is saved.”

Seth shrugs off his brother’s arm and retreats to the nursery, only to find Kate fussing over the identical goons. He takes one look at his boys and pinches his nose, giving a dismayed shake of his head.

In all fairness, he’d never expected _this_.

His boys, his pride and joy, the testament to his masculinity.

_Utterly disgraced_.

Knowing Kate, though, it’d only been a matter of time.

“Honey,” Seth asks with a calm that’d taken him years to practice. Because with Richard as his brother, Kate for a wife, and the two gremlins to look after, he needed all the Zen he could get. “Why do Thing One and Thing Two look like miniature Buddy the fuckin’ Elfs?”

“Aren’t they precious?” Kate coos, the intense focus on her face melting into one of ecstatic motherly joy as she lifts the twin on the left into her arms.

Seth grimaces as he snatches up the twin on the right, the one he _thinks_ might be Joey but can’t be sure without a thorough investigation of freckles and birthmarks that he hasn’t got the desire to perform at the moment. He’d been lost ever since Kate decided to stop color-coding the twins, and instead started dressing them in matching outfits.

Fucking _ridiculous_ matching outfits.

This time she’d gone and outfitted the boys in identical red and green elf onesies, complete with pointy hats and booties with jingle bells on them. The twins look for the life of them like captive participants to _Kate’s Christmas Sideshow_. Meanwhile, Kate has donned a sweater Seth assumes was robbed off of Mrs. Claus’s now rotting corpse. It definitely ain’t any improvement over the reindeer _atrocity_ she’d worn last year. No, because this time instead of just one giant Rudolph face with a humongous pompom for a nose, she’s got _multiple_ Rudolphs knitted across the top of her sweater with red pompom noses for each one.

It has to be the _ugliest_ Christmas he’s ever seen.

Seth gazes into his son’s face, and the baby stares back at him, the kid’s eyes like an endless void of despair. If Seth didn’t know any better, he’d be convinced the poor sucker was mouthing the words _Help me_ to him. Seth winces and can only offer the poor child his apologetic eyes.

“I was thinking,” Kate starts. “We should take a family photo of us and the boys in front of the Christmas tree,” she says, aiming for offhanded but failing miserably at it. Seth recognizes better than anyone the strings she’s subtly trying to pull. He _knows_ this game.

He also knows that saying _no_ will not save him.

“No.”

Well, it was worth a shot.

“C’mon, it’ll be fun! We’ll dress up, and—Oh!” Kate snaps her fingers as a thought occurs to her. “You can wear that ugly Christmas sweater I got you last year!” Kate turns and places the baby back in the crib before reaching for something on a nearby table. Whatever it is she’s got has Seth narrowing his eyes at her in suspicion behind her back, and in a flash she pulls out said ugly Christmas sweater.

Because of course it’d been a _setup_ all along.

Seth shakes his head and gives a disbelieving laugh. “You’re crazy, you know that? Christmas makes you absolutely _insane_. I’m not goddamn wearing that.”

“You know,” Kate starts, and Seth barely stifles his groan when she takes on that _tone_. The one that sounds more like a _threat_. “The boys aren’t gonna be this little forever,” she says. “We need to make memories while they’re young.”

“What, dressed like _that_?” Seth exclaims, pointing at the giggling, rosy-cheeked goon lying in the crib, jingling with every slight movement. If it wasn’t tragic as hell, Seth might almost say it was cute. “Nuh-uh. No way. Not a fucking chance.”

Kate’s eyes flash dangerously, and the next thing he knows she’s wrestling him into the itchy wool sweater, which has to be even more heinous than the one she’s got on.

“Kate,” he grunts, trying to fend her off one-handed with Nicky—or possibly Joey—still cradled in his other arm.

“C’mon, Seth! You owe me a Christmas photo!” And with some mild cursing of his name and his mother, she manages to get the sweater over his head, mussing up his hair in the process.

Seth sighs in defeat, and Kate, now satisfied, takes the baby from him and places him beside his brother. With both arms free, Seth stuffs his hands through the sleeves of the sweater. “Are you happy now, you friggin’ psycho?” he asks. Seth frowns at an itch at the back of his neck, and reaches for the sweater’s collar where the stupid price tag is still attached and yanks it off.

Jesus, she spent $25 on this piece of crap?

Kate stands back and gives Seth the once-over with a smug look on her face. “Yes. You always look handsome when you do what I want you to.”

Seth rolls his eyes. “Right. Of course.”

“You know,” she says, “I think green might just be your color.”

He wants to comment on that, ask her if she needs to get her eyes checked, but decides to hold his tongue because he can only imagine the backlash he’d receive if he actually said any of that aloud.

Good Lord, he’d forgotten all about this hideous sweater. He’d made sure to stuff it all the way at the back of the closet, underneath all of Kate’s abandoned projects and crafts where he thought she’d never look. Clearly, he should’ve picked a better hiding spot.

Like in the _trash_.

Seth makes a face and fans out the hem of the revolting sweater. Not even a _Die Hard_ quote could save this thing. She’d chosen what had to be the fugliest color in the entire color spectrum—a puke green that wouldn’t compliment even the Grinch’s complexion, but that maybe matched Regan MacNeil's weaponized pea soup.

“Y’know,” he muses, thinking back on Kate’s comment about _owing_ her. “As I recall it, _you_ were the one giving that elf girl shit at Santa’s Wonderland.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Kate says, dismissing her actions leading up to the shitstorm that was their photo-op with Santa at the Galleria the day before. Actions that had nearly caused a riot and resulted in Wonderland getting canceled. Possibly forever. “And anyway, who was the one who _assaulted_ Santa Claus, huh?” she continues.

“Hey, that asshole got what he deserved, alright?”

Kate nods her head as if in agreement with him, but the expression on her face leads him to believe otherwise.

Seth considers the events from the day before. Santa had obviously been hitting the eggnog a little too hard during his break. And then Kate, in her overzealous mom mode, had gotten on the nerves of the poor, overworked Christmas elf with her critical comments and snarky attitude. Frankly, Seth had never realized until that moment what a little shit-stirrer his wife really was. Santa decided to jump in on the debacle, words were exchanged. One thing led to another, and Santa became well acquainted with Seth’s fist. Jolly Old Saint Nick was sent crashing into his big cushy chair, which toppled and knocked down a slew of Santa’s little helpers as well as the props and the winter village backdrop. Kate bit her lip as she hurried to get the twins secured in their stroller while she and Seth were met with boos and glares from the line of mall-goers a mile long behind them. They booked it to the exit before security could get on the scene. When Seth glanced back at Wonderland, he’d seen one of the elves flip a sign to _Closed_ , while another elf stood over Santa’s prone form and waved a sheaf of papers in his face.

Seth rubs his bruised knuckles, sure to be a festive green just in time for the holidays.

“Seth, it’s great that you defended my honor and all, but was it entirely necessary to cause a scene? You couldn’t act like an adult for _one day_?”

Seth sighs. “Honey, how many times do we have to go over this? I’m not going to just sit back and let some asshole talk shit about you. And that prick took it way too fucking far.”

“You do realize, _honey_ , that we’re probably banned from Santa’s Wonderland for life now? Our boys will never get to experience sitting on Santa’s lap thanks to you,” she says with artificial longing edging into her voice. “With our luck, someone probably recorded it and posted the video on the internet and it’s gone viral by now.”

Seth groans. “If you want a picture with Santa so badly, we could take the boys to literally any other mall in the city and they could sit on some other creepy mall Santa’s lap,” he says with a dismissive wave of his hand. “At least then I wouldn’t have to wear this ridiculous fucking sweater.”

“Fine. Be a Grinch all you want,” Kate says, hoisting up Thing One. Or it could be Thing Two. To tell the truth, Thing One just happens to be the kid who’s nearest to Seth at any given time. “I’m going to go grab the camera,” she says. “Because if I plan to have keepsakes of my babies from when they were precious little angels, I’ll have to document it all _now_ before they grow up to be just like _you_.”

And in a move she’s perfected in the almost seven months since the twins were born, Kate snatches up both boys into her arms like the professional mom she is and carries them to the living room.

Seth makes a noise of complaint deep in his throat and is about to follow her to the living room when Richie appears out of nowhere, surprising him.

“Jesus, Richard,” Seth grunts. “Make some friggin’ noise next time you’re traipsing around my—” Seth stops mid-sentence and takes a good look at his brother. “What the fuck are you wearing anyway?”

“Kate said she needed a Santa Claus,” Richie says with a shrug. He lifts a frosted Christmas tree shaped sugar cookie to his mouth, and before he can take a bite, has to move aside the fuzzy white beard strapped to his face. “Aren’t you coming to take pictures?” Richie mumbles through bites of cookie.

Seth makes a disgusted face and snatches the Santa hat off of Richie’s head. Turning his brother 180 degrees, Seth pushes Richard out the door and marches him to the living room.

Honestly, what the fuck is it with these two and their obsession with Christmas?

* * *

Seth could think of a million _other_ ways he’d rather be spending the holidays.

For one, he could be tangled up with Kate, pretending they aren’t the parents of two traitorous little trolls. He wouldn’t mind a reenactment of last Christmas with her either, which had involved a romp beneath the twinkling lights of the Christmas tree and getting an early present in the form of sex _underneath_ said Christmas tree. But unwrapping Kate was far preferable to _this_ any day of the year.

“One more!” Kate exclaims, holding up the camera. “Just the boys and their daddy,” she says, gesturing for Seth to sit in the armchair and cradle the twins in his arms. She takes the picture before he’s ready, and Seth tries to blink the white spots out of his vision after repeated blindings by the camera's flash.

“Okay, I think that’s enough pictures,” Seth mutters, attempting to stand with both babies in his arms.

“Yeah, I think we have more than enough footage for blackmail now,” Richie comments.

Seth aims a kick at his brother’s leg since both his arms are occupied with wriggling, diaper-butted elves.

“Well, it’s been fun, but I’m out of here,” Richie announces, sneaking another handful of sugar cookies on his way to the door. “Kate,” he says with a nod of farewell before leaving to do God knows what to God knows who.

It isn’t until later that evening when Seth is alone in his bedroom that he actually sees the photos. And they are as _horrifying_ as he imagined they’d be. Prime blackmail material for years to come, just like Richard promised.

His boys look like an absolute disgrace with the Christmas elves getup. But otherwise, they are the same cutest little Casanovas as ever.

More importantly, Seth notes, is the smile on Kate’s face and all the warmth that emanates from her. When he sees the look in her eyes as she peers down into their sons’ faces, her mouth split into the happiest grin he’s ever seen... he remembers exactly why he’d wanted a future with her. She’d clearly been made to be a mom. No one else in this universe could bring him the joy she does, could have given him the life that she has, shitstarting tendencies and all.

He would be _nothing_ without her.

It’s as he’s smiling like an absolute sap at his family photos that something in the upper left side of the picture catches Seth’s eye, and he can’t help the sudden burst of laughter that escapes him.

It’s that damn Elf on the Shelf that Kate had been so obsessed about. Sometime when neither of them was looking, the Elf had moved from its innocent perch on the fireplace mantle and been arranged into a more... _suggestive_ pose with the Santa Claus figurine Kate had acquired on one of her many holiday shopping trips. Much to Kate’s obliviousness, the Elf was bottoming Santa Claus in the background of all of Kate’s painstakingly taken family photos.

“Richard,” Seth chuckles, shaking his head in disbelief.

“Just got the boys down for the night,” Kate says, stifling a yawn as she emerges from the darkened hallway. “What are you smiling about?”

“Wha—nothing,” Seth says, snapping the lid of the laptop closed. He disconnects the camera from the computer and sets it on the bedside table.

“Hah! So you _did_ have fun!” Kate says, pointing an accusing finger at him. “Just admit it! The boys were adorable and you loved it!”

Yeah, he’ll admit it when he’s dead. Or when Kate finally spots the Elf on the Shelf photobomb Richie had planted on their photos. Seth nearly snorts at the thought of Kate’s face when she finds out, and hopes he has his camera on him to capture the moment when she does.

“Hey, go look in the closet, would ya,” Kate says. “Top shelf. I have an early Christmas surprise for you.”

Seth gives her a questioning glance before peeking into the closet and finding a slim box covered in shiny red paper and decorated with a silver ribbon.

“Just a peek at what you can expect for Christmas this year. Open it,” she says, her mouth slanting into a teasing smile.

The box is light, and Seth gives it a little shake. He tears into the gift, and inside he finds a silky red negligee with a feathery white trim at the hem. When Seth glances back at Kate, he finds she’s already pulled on a Santa hat.

Seth raises an eyebrow at her, fingering the soft fluff on the hem. “So, I take it someone’s been a naughty girl this year,” he says. “Or wants to be.”

“Who, me?” Kate says, blinking up at him and feigning innocence. If he hadn’t known her all these years, didn’t know the kind of _mischief_ she was capable of, those doe eyes would still have him falling for that goody two shoes Christian girl con she used to play on all the guys back in her scamming days. Which, admittedly, wasn’t that long ago.

_Good_ she is.

_Innocent_ she is _not_.

If being with him all these years hadn’t made for damn sure of that, their wedding night definitely did.

He can already picture her wearing the skimpy babydoll, can imagine her legs hoisted around his waist and the silk negligee hiked all the way up to her boobs as he buries himself between her thighs—

Seth sweeps Kate into his arms, surprising her with a kiss, and rejoicing at the sound she makes as his tongue teases past her lips. He tangles his hand in her hair, dipping her back to delve deeper into her mouth until she’s left dizzy and breathless.

“We’ll need a fifth stocking... to hang over the fireplace next year... if you keep it up,” Kate says in between gasps.

Seth kisses down the side of her neck. “Baby,” he murmurs at her throat. “It’s _already_ up.”

Kate giggles, grabbing him by the waist and pushing him onto the bed before snatching the lingerie and dashing to the bathroom to change before he can catch her. Because she knows the moment he gets her in his arms, he won't be letting go until morning.

Seth makes a sound that’s in between a laugh and a pained groan and begins to undo his belt and zipper to lessen the pressure in his jeans. They both know that nightie will be on the floor in a matter of minutes anyway.

Stupid though the costumes may be, he thinks he’s starting to get it.

Did he mention Christmas was his favorite holiday?


End file.
